Today

Today is a day of mixed emotions.
1) my two baby boys are at school. This was a day that I thought would be the day my house would be empty, until God changed that course and now blessed with having Ike.
2) I feel as if I am cheating. I was able to put my two big boys on the bus and not rush off to work or rush off to anything. Instead I got to get a pedicure with my mom while Ike played with Kenna. Then Ike, my mom and I went shopping for the annual birthday shopping. In my heart, I feel as if I am cheating by skipping out on work or skipping out on something if I don't have to rush rush rush places (the theme of any working mom with huge milestones such as first day of school and then having to fit the normal like in there too). This is my normal life. I will work some, but getting to enjoy the little things like making a snack to be ready when the boys come home. Or having all the energy in the world to absorb all the firsts of their school day. To have energy to play guess who with my boys that they have been begging me to play with them.
3) thinking thinking and praying. Praying that my heart be content with this path that I feel as if God has planned for me. Content with running 5 miles an hour some days and 100 another. Saying yes to things that mean the most to me and my family versus sticking my hand up for everything that comes my way.
4) weakness. Many times we are defined by our paid jobs. By not having the paid job be my number one, I need to find my source of strength through being a mom and being content with it. In most of my job situations, I am the only speech therapist so it is easy to not judge myself or compare myself to others. But when it comes to being a mom, they are everywhere and there are so many great moms out there. It is easy to feel inadequate and not as good as the next one. I pray that with God's help I can be the best mom that my boys know.

Not sure any of this makes sense, but those are my thoughts today as I sit down and enjoy nap time and 45 more minutes of silence.